Zoe Thanatos Read online

  Evan’s instincts gnawed him from the inside as he watched her feet move forward instead of backwards, carrying her with increasing speed over the final few feet of the cliff. There was no time to consider the consequences of his actions. She used the force of her motion to launch herself over the edge of the cliff until she was high above the ocean. Her arms stretched out to her arched back, and with her face turned up to the sky she was floating as if suspended in time. Gravity pulled her half the distance between the edge of the cliff to the crest of the water, and without full consideration of what he was about to do, Evan followed her, his own strength and speed propelling him close enough to grab her so that she was tandem in his arms. Seconds later his feet touched the grainy sand of the beach shore and her body fell limp in his arms, her head hanging back in unconsciousness so that her neck stretched out unnaturally from her torso.

  He breathed in relief. She was not dead.

  Chapter 3: The Impossibility of the Life of Anne

  She hadn’t expected the weightlessness to unburden her from her sorrow. In that moment when she was free in the air, before gravity took her, she felt wholly emancipated. The feeling of her smile finally reaching the corners of her eyes made it easier to accept that it would be her last. And yet, it was the unmistakable if not completely impossible feeling of another body behind her, arms catching around her torso with great force that robbed her of that last sensation.

  Through the disorienting haze of unconsciousness she felt her body being lowered to the ground and the rough grittiness of sand as it molded around her back and shoulders. Whatever afterlife she’d gone to seemed remarkably like the life she’d left. The air around her nostrils was fresh and laced with salt, and the warmth that radiated on her skin felt exactly like the sun. Some part in her mind felt a twinge of annoyance that the afterlife so many people spent their lives pining away for was no more special than the ordinary world of everyday life. What a waste, she thought.

  Except... how could she have the thought? She had willingly jumped knowing that the fall would take her life, whether by the weight of the ocean above her or from the rocks on the way down. Yet she had no explanation for feeling that someone had caught her between leaping and landing. Impossible.

  Her mind went to each extremity, internally checking for any clue as to her condition. Toes curled, leg muscles stretched and pulled beneath skin, her chest rose and fell with the intake of breath, all ten fingers accounted for and unscathed. Everything was perfectly normal when it certainly ought not to be.

  It took a moment for her eyes to open fully as they adjusted to the bright light of the sun. The same blue sky she’d looked up to her entire life was there, the occasional cloud languishing about. There was the unmistakable sand and grass that covered nearly every inch of the East end of Santa Cruz Island. She was right back where she started, on a sandy beach a short distance from the dock she’d climbed earlier that day. It’s too quiet, she thought to herself. As she moved to lift herself up from the ground she realized the eerie quiet was in her mind. Autonomously she shook her head until an uncomfortable pop brought the sound of atmosphere rushing back into her ears.

  “Are you okay?” The voice came as suddenly from her side as it had earlier on the boat. She looked towards the strangely sound and met a pair of intense green eyes. It was him, the handsome stranger from the boat who talked of the beach as if he’d never seen one before in his life. How was he there with her? What is going on? her mind screamed. Anger erupted in her center and pushed up through her torso into her eyes. It filled every part of her, her mind struggling against the weight of incomprehension.

  “I don’t understand!” she screamed as tears sprouted from the intense anger that filled her. She tried to fight the punishing weight of it but only felt worse. Nothing was making any sense and she hated it vehemently. She shouldn’t be there. Not on the sand of the beach miles away and hundreds of feet down from where she last stood. She jumped off the cliff. Even if her plan failed she should be in the middle of the Pacific or laid out on a rock with blood seeping from her broken body. There was no explanation whatsoever for laying on the beach as though that was where she was meant to be. Her anger blistered into contempt. How had her plan failed so spectacularly? And how was he there with her?

  “Are you okay?” Evan asked again, his tone gentle yet deliberately cautious.

  The anger in her ebbed gradually and her tears slowed. “I don’t understand. I just... I don’t understand.” She willed her chest to draw in more oxygen. Even if nothing else made sense she knew she must make sense of herself. With each intake of air she found more control of her body and her mind. Whole minutes passed as she fought against her senses for composure. “I’m not supposed to be here,” she asserted with a shaky voice. She looked up again and found the same unchanged green eyes.

  He sat a few feet away, arms on his knees, his feet half buried in the sand. Incomprehension was on his face too, suffused with something else. Concern? Worry?

  “I couldn’t let you do it.” He kept his head down as he spoke. What had he done? Couldn’t let her what? Jump off the cliff? Kill herself?

  “You had no right!” she screamed, her voice straining under the weight of her own incredulity. “Who are you? What have you done? I don’t understand what is happening!” She was becoming hysterical, losing all the control she’d managed to gain. She watched as he crouched up before her and placed his hands on her arms. His touch was gentle.

  “You should calm down. The boat is heading back to dock and people are going to be heading this way soon.” His eyes searched hers; looking for any clue that she understood the meaning behind his words. She noticed then that his face was taut with lines, making him look far more wary than he had that morning. “Please,” he reiterated kindly.

  The nagging incomprehension in her temporarily quelled. There was no sense to his words or actions, no logic to explain what had happened between the leap and those moments on the beach. However, she was certain that it was his arms she felt around her in the air, as absurd as the notion seemed.

  “I don’t understand,” was all she could manage. She could hear in her voice if not in her words that she was agreeing to his plea. Sure enough, from the corner of her eye she saw a group emerge and faintly recognized their travel companions. Out on the water the boat from the harbor was a growing speck in the distance.

  He was on his feet with his waist bent down, his hands extended towards her as an offering. “Can I help you up?” he asked. Before she could answer his hands were under her arms, lifting her gently from the sand. Her feet were steady beneath her but he held her in place a moment longer. She recalled his words, ‘I couldn’t let you do it.’ What did he mean?

  “How can I know if I’m dead or alive?” Zoe asked weakly. Evan’s eyes widened beneath the thick carpet of his eyelashes, and for a moment he looked puzzled by the question.

  “I can tell you for a fact that you are not dead,” he answered. She noticed the intensity in his eyes again, burning through the green of his irises. In that moment she resigned herself to the belief that impossibility had defied logic and that this stranger somehow prevented her death, though by what means she was unsure. She knew for certain she had jumped, recalling with remarkable clarity the sensation of falling through the sky. She had intended to take her life and because of his interference she’d failed. There was no obvious reason for this stranger to save the life she’d willingly tried to throw away.

  The sun had moved considerably through the sky, heading west to start its descent beneath the horizon, and the boat was growing in size with each passing moment. It wouldn’t be long before they were boarded and headed back to Ventura. They would dock, unload, and everyone would make their way to their car or perhaps stroll along the harbor looking for food and rest. She had not intended to come back and yet there she stood, feet on the ground, feeling completely unsure what would happen to her next. This man with green eyes that stood before her with
his hands still holding her in her place had inadvertently tangled himself into her life by saving it from ending. Whatever she did next she felt certain would involve him as well.

  Passengers were less excited in their ambient conversations, tired from a day’s worth of physical exertion. From her seat Zoe watched as the boat attendants performed a headcount, making sure everyone was on board and accounted for. It occurred to her that had her plan not been interrupted by a certain stranger they would be minus one passenger. What would have been the protocol? Call her name over the loudspeaker? Send someone to search for her on the island? She hadn’t considered any of the possibilities before and now, in spite of the change in direction her life had suddenly taken, she felt almost guilty that any extra effort would have gone towards looking for her.

  She leaned back into her seat and felt her shoulder brush against Evan’s. She knew he was sitting next to her, and desperately wanted to barrage him with questions about what had happened, why he did whatever it was that he did. He didn’t move at her touch, but let her shoulder rest innocuously against his own. A few minutes later the boat pulled away from the dock and began the return to Ventura. The chatter increased around them and she felt certain they could speak with no one else listening.

  “Evan,” she spoke. His name sounded foreign coming from her mouth. What could she possibly ask him that would make any sense of the situation? “I have questions, but...” she trailed off.

  “I’m sure you do,” he replied when she did not continue. He turned to face her and the briefest of smiles stretched his mouth. Even he looked like he couldn’t make sense of the situation.

  “I have no idea where to start.” An exasperated laugh escaped as she exhaled. She paused for a moment, trying to connect her thoughts into some sort of linear fashion. “Were you following me?” she finally asked.

  His eyebrows creased again, creating a deep line between them. “Yes, I did follow you.”

  “Before the boat?”

  “No, after we arrived on the island.” His eyes explored hers plaintively. Why did this seem to be as difficult for him as it was for her?

  “Why?” she asked. Despite her confusion she found herself scared of what his answer might be. He could be anyone; dangerous or sociopathic, a deviant criminal or someone completely unhinged. The truth of the matter was he was a complete stranger and the interest he took in her in just a few short hours should have been unwelcome. Of course, there was also the possibility that he was a Good Samaritan, a man who was in the right place at the right time, and who acted on instinct because it was in his constitution to do so. There was nothing about him that appeared dangerous or even malicious. He seemed kind and enthusiastic when they first met, and nothing about him set off alarms warning her to be cautious. A perfect stranger he may have been, but he gave no indication that he was a terrible perfect stranger.

  “You seemed... sad, sadder than what I assume is normal. I had a feeling that you came to the island not to explore but to stay. Indefinitely.” He turned his head back towards the ocean, watching the island shrink as the boat drifted further away from it. The word ‘indefinitely’ had a sting of finality that sounded incongruous with her reasoning.

  “Most people would have just gone on with their day,” she remarked. Amidst the emulsion of feelings within her one in particular rose to the surface. Shame. It was never her intention for anyone to be involved in her plans. Truthfully, she hadn’t considered what anyone would have thought after she was gone anyway. She was alone in the world, had no true friendships, and genuinely believed her absence would go largely unnoticed. Someone like Evan entering the picture was never a consideration.

  “You’re probably right,” he replied softly.

  “I never once saw you following me.”

  “I never meant for you to.” He turned his head so he was looking at her, and there was expectation on his face. She knew the question she was dying to ask but felt was impossible.

  “You watched me from the cliff?”

  “Yes,” he answered.

  “And you saw... what exactly?”

  “You were standing at the cliff for a long time, just still and silent, and then you were running. I watched as you jumped off the cliff.”

  It took all of her effort to swallow the unwelcome lump of shame that rose in her throat. She remembered the way the air moved around her skin as she ran towards the cliff and the smile as she moved through the air.

  “If you saw me jump then how is it I ended up on the beach miles away?” She watched as the lines returned to his face, deepening in his skin. The crease between his eyebrows looked as though it might cut through to his skull.

  The buzz of chatter quieted down some. All around them people were settling into their seats, eager to get back to the harbor and go on with their lives. She adjusted her position in the plastic seat, inching closer to him for an extra shred of privacy. Her arm and leg brushed against him again,, and the feeling was familiar, as though she had felt it intimately before. There would be no other choice than to accept the fact that, despite the absolute improbability of its truthfulness, it had been his arms she felt catch around her mid-air.

  “Like I said,” he started quietly. “I couldn’t let you do it.”

  She nodded. “Yes, but that doesn’t explain how.”

  Evan glanced around, perhaps insuring they had some privacy. Finally, his eyes met hers again. “I caught you.” He watched her for a reaction.

  She stared back at him, looking for any sign that he wasn’t telling the truth. “There was only the ocean and the rocks along the fall of the cliff, and if you were watching me from behind...”

  “I jumped after you,” he interrupted, the words coming out forced and stiff. “I saw you take a running leap off the edge and I went after you. That’s how I caught you.”

  She tried to picture his version of the events, imagining him running after her, jumping from the edge and catching her in his arms as they descended through the air. There was no indication that there was anything but truth in his words.

  “How did you manage to defy the laws of physics? How are we both not dead?”

  He expelled a held breath. “Believe it or not that is a bit more difficult to explain.”

  “Well, I’d really like to hear it.” She needed to know. It would have been certain death for him to follow her off the cliff and yet he did so with no consequence. There was more to Evan than what met the eye. She had all the time in the world to listen to his explanation. If this was her afterlife she had every right to hear the truth, no matter how preternatural it sounded.

  The endless horizon of water was gone, replaced with Ventura growing larger as they inched towards the harbor. All around them people were shuffling belongings and chatting, excited to be back on familiar land. It couldn’t be over for Evan and her, not yet. The sum of their relationship had been defined by that island in the Pacific, and back at home there was no familiarity to keep them tethered to each other. Except for the fact that he jumped off a cliff to save my life.

  He watched those around them, perhaps also wondering what would come next. She recalled something he had earlier disclosed about his plans, about leaving the area that evening. The conversation seemed like another lifetime. It was, she thought.

  “I have more questions to ask you. If you don’t mind,” she added. The boat was coasting through the harbor. Their ride would soon be over. He looked at her for a moment and then nodded. “You mentioned earlier going to Santa Barbara?” she asked.

  “I’d planned to drive up there tonight.” His eyebrows dug deep into his face again. He looked unsure of himself.

  “I live there.” The words sounded strange as they came out of her mouth. Of course, she hadn’t expected to return home. She imagined the house was likely in the same condition she left it in. All she’d have to do is unlock the front door, turn on the utility box and resume her life there.

  The thought then occurred to her that she d
idn’t have to. She didn’t have to do anything at all. She was still in the life she’d chosen to leave behind. She still could. It didn’t matter that her plan hadn’t gone as expected. She could take her life anywhere, any way she chose. And yet… There were questions her mind could not make sense of and it was Evan who had the answers. It wouldn’t matter in the long run. She could listen to him, hear what fantastical explanation he could offer for catching her in midair, and then go about with her intention. It wasn’t a stone left unturned but the questions bothered her just the same. She would find the answers to those questions and then continue on. He would go his way, resume his vacation and would be none the wiser.

  An unsettling growl from her stomach brought her back into the moment. The boat docked and everyone seemed eager to disembark. Santa Cruz Island was just a piece of land in a chain of islands barely visible off the coast. Now started the part of her life she hadn’t intended to be a part of. She was confused, thirsty, and hungry.

  “There’s a great restaurant a few miles north on the freeway. We can sit outside and eat, talk...” She could formally ask him to join her, but it seemed contrived and frankly stupid.

  A faint smile curled his lips as he nodded his head. “It would be my pleasure, Anne.”

  She’d forgotten the lie about her name. It made no difference now. In a few hours she would have her answers and he would be out of her life for good. She retrieved some paper and a pen from her backpack and scribbled directions to the restaurant. Minutes later they were off the boat, her feet back on familiar ground. After a brief exchange they parted ways, both heading in the direction of the parking lot. As she walked to her car Zoe made it a point to watch Evan maneuver through the parking lot. Why hadn’t she seen him at all that morning before loading the boat? Where had he come from? More questions flooded her mind, questions that only he had answers to. Answers she would have sooner rather than later.